My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
They’re really bad with fonts.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.