My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*jingles half the way*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere