My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”