My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”