My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
#dalle2
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”