My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
LOOOOOOL
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.