My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
