Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”