My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Air conditioning – not a fan
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter