My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
problems i need
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.