Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

“We will wed,” I threatened

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.