Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Just parrot things

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower: