My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada