Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.