Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Dudes named Chance never had one.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.