My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
it must be school picture day
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
