My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
You Might Also Like
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”