@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

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@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

@AGStr8upNinja

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@ficklenuts

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@kelkulus

Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@of_a_genepool

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?