My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Why does laundry happen to good people?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
