My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.