My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.