My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I’m listening
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?