My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now