My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.