My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.