My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
no cat here
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.