Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

Cucumbers Anonymous

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.