My kitchen overserved me.
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Finally!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all