My kitchen overserved me.
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Yes, but it was never about money
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?