Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct