My kitchen overserved me.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise