My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Dune (2021)
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”