My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.