My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
kids play hide and seek like
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”