My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Swedish for common sense.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS