My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app