[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
A roof is a house hat.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.