Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.