[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
You Might Also Like
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
happy friday
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices