@TheToddWilliams

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

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@LuvPug

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

@PaperWash

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@bea_ker

You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.

(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*