I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.
(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this
ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol
GOD: *creates anteater*