My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Matthew was born for this.
I have a type: disappointing
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’