My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
This is sending me to another galaxy
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl