My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My life coach traded me.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Sticker placement is key.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?