therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.