Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

every olympics i turn into this guy

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.