Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

this made my day 😂

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.