Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

we’re dead?

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.