Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet