My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
