My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
good for her
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
