Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today