Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

I might carry a baby with one hand.