my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what