Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

I am thick and tired. 🙄

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

“i miss shittin on people”

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy