My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.