My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
