Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

next level snooze

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society