Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.