Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

can I use a minion as a tampon

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Beauty and the Beast

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.