Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?