[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
#DesignFail
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
