[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.