[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
You Might Also Like
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This headline is a thing of beauty
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.