Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.