my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.