Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

This guy gets it.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.