My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
![]()
You Might Also Like
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
![]()
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
![]()
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
![]()
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller