Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

black phone good

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

i did the math

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.