Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

a lot to unpack here

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Friday

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice