Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”