My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。