My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Just a friendly reminder!
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”