My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful