My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
He-man has a Masters degree
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Interior designer.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.