Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Does it…does it take 3 days

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore