My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
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cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!